Living on the Spectrum
Reading Time: 9 Mins.
After dropping the last batch of the heavy-exposition blog articles, which are albeit freeing, I’ve been parsing my unorthodox personality and life experiences. This topic is not something that is easy to write about, and I doubt anyone would care (because no one caring about these aspects of me is the story of my life) but as with anything I tackle, I’ll do it the best as I can.
I’m Not Normal.
Unbeknownst to no one by now, obviously, lmao. But lemme expound:
Earlier this week, I decided to fire up Super Mario Maker 2 for a bit as it’s been a long time since playing it. Long story short, I found myself playing this particular level repeatedly for about 3 hours straight— just attempting, failing, and restarting it. It was as if I was possessed: on auto-pilot, determined to beat this level, but I wasn’t aware of it until I realized just how much time has passed.
I just repeated this same loop for hours…
The reason why this is notable because upon stepping outside of my self and noticing this trait, it really dawned on me that this is how I always tackle anything I want to accomplish doing. Or “winning”, whatever that means. The reason I’m multifaceted in so many disciplines is because of my “disability”. Most people would quit after the 5th attempt and on to the next, or even turn the game off and/or play something else, lol. It mirrors how I observe people when they say they want to get better at drawing. Rarely will I ever see someone drawing the same body part repeatedly on a page like croquis nowadays, but I have no issue doing that when I’m learning and downloading new information to draw from.
Many may not know this about me (and it’s not something I talk about because I don’t really see it as a technical disability, personally), but I was diagnosed with having ADHD several years ago. So, I’m well-aware that I have obsessive-compulsive habits and tendencies to go HAM on shit. I can zone out for hours at a time and work on something if I’m really interested in it forgetting to eat-type stuff. So, I’m no stranger to exhibiting that kind of behavior.
But it wasn’t until having a deep conversation with a neurodivergent acquaintance several weeks back that is making me think that all my problems, negative social experiences, and overall living hell of a life I’m in can be also chalked up to being on the spectrum as well.
Ex. A: …yes, an unrelated comment from a while back when I showed my process of drawing fishnets on some legs, lol.
Gifted? Or Cursed?
Ex. B: Simpler times with my lil’ bro. Prolly unironically thinking of playing Super Mario World when I got back home after the shoot, lol.
Growing up as a young Robert, I was the “star child”. A prodigy of sorts. Always in the spotlight for doing things your average adjacent kid was not. I was reading on my own volition early when I was 3, repeatedly playing Childcraft Encyclopedia tapes my parents got me to the point when hitting Kindergarten, the teachers were legit shocked I was an already fluent reader. A recurring memory is a teacher standing with me after class outside when my dad picked me up from school to ask him what was “wrong” with me; he thought I got into some actual trouble, but nope, it was just reading, LMAO. Bless you, Ms. Hirsch. So, she made me read for the class all the time. Earliest example of me wondering why the fuck everyone else can’t read and I can… I frequented Super Honor Roll every semester, getting straight A’s. Was pulled out of class frequently for the “Gifted Program” (also known as GATE nowadays) where you listen to weird beeps in gigantic headphones and imagining red dots and shit.
Yeah… I was that weird kid.
Ex. C: Had to look a pic of these books up. It’s been literally over 35 years since I’ve last seen them, and the warm memories are flooding back. I loved thumbing through them.
Ex. D: Every hot summer in Chicago every year, was a 3-day long religious convention. And I had to stay up thru it all. Mom made me do it, lol.
However, for all the smarts I showcased and talent I displayed in those times, I wasn’t always “the good kid”. I would constantly get my name written on the chalkboard with extra X marks for talking in the class, doodling in my notebook (like most artists, I can only assume), and just checking out completely. While the teachers would always wonder how I kept my grades up, they simply wanted me to stop poppin’ out and showin’ niggas, lmao. Despite that, I always made friends easily, but I would lose them just as easily. And to top it off with the crazy roulette, I spawned in a Jehovah’s Witness family of all religious upbringings, making me triple-entendre “unorthodox”.
At school, not only did I have to handle being “different” in an intellectual capacity, but I also had to deal with being the butt of the joke and bullied because classmates would see me knocking on their doors on the weekends to warn them about God ending the world. I still have PTSD of discovering a cute crush seeing me out there, lmao.
Fast forwarding, these formative years were essentially the beginning of a long timeline of rinsing and repeating. And it’s only NOW in almost-2026 that I’m realizing that the core of all my problems stem from something deeper…
Artistic, Autistic…
Whenever I talk about my honesty or telling it like it is, it’s not because I’m trying to be a dick about it. Or presenting myself as holier-than-thou (because of said JW background, I despise that kinda shit). But as my aforementioned art friend suggested, the way I am could very well be a factor of me being on the spectrum. I mean, I’m already diagnosed with ADHD. So, Autism is not too far behind. But it just adds so much more of an obvious reason to my own long, unanswered “why am I like this” questions.
As stated before, I make friends with no problem. I also lose friends with no problem. Socially, I’m a mess. I’ve described many times on this blog how people find me “refreshing” at first, because I’m “real”. But that refreshment never lasts too long when said “realness” makes someone uncomfortable or triggering (for whatever reason that is never communicated to me). It’s exhausting.
Sometimes, I’ll bow out from seeing friends for months on end, and it’s not because they’ve done anything wrong, but it’s because I become hyper-focused on something without reaching out, which would likely make them question me wanting to still be friends with them. And in turn, I realize 6+ months have passed and my own intrusive thoughts think they don’t want to be friends with me anymore. Or, I’ll just get ghosted randomly with no closure regardless of me giving my all in the relationship. This isn’t to mention all the times where I cut “friends” off for crossing lines I wouldn’t dare cross on them, such as being authentically hospitable and/or opening up my home to them to only later get shat on or humiliated. Or misused for clout. Etcetera. There are just certain things you shouldn’t do to people, popular or not, and I’m at least glad to say that I never did any of that.
And don’t get me started with women. It sucks being called “handsome”, “foine”, and flirted with all your life and not one of them want to stay for whatever reason... I’ve been called “emotionally intense” by girlfriends after being praised for my “emotional intelligence” too many times to count, whether that was in my vain attempts of having what I only can perceive as normal deep conversation that wear out its warm welcome too soon, to being told that despite being an amazing, skilled (hint-hint), caring guy that I’m “too smart” (last ex gf literally said this to me on the phone during the breakup) to be with. 😂 It’s genuinely hilarious… but also genuinely depressing. And yet, for all the bullshit they’ve put me thru, I still don’t hate women, otherwise I wouldn’t still enjoy drawing them so much. It goes against my entire personality and psyche. Like, yeah, my mom made me do all those things I hated doing as a child, but I still love her deeply. Same goes for general people: I’m staying far away to keep from getting hurt as much as possible again, but I don’t hate anyone.
Ex. E: First time drawing Cammy in ages the other day in 2-3 hours… I’ve been averse drawing Capcom-anything since the noodle callout shit, but I’m finally recovering. And it just came out like I never stopped.
All in all, the topic of this entire post is about being misunderstood as a person. I never would’ve thought so many people would actually hate me even as an artist who succeeded in his craft in the only way he knows how to: by learning how to draw like playing that damn Mario Maker level repeatedly for hours on end, failing, and restarting, and failing again… and restarting again. However, it’s totally on par with the rest of how my life goes. I discover people actually disliked me for simply existing while my head is down “being autistic”. Like that Spongebob meme:
I often feel day in and out like a zoo animal: No one truly hears me, because the window is too thick. But they’ll come to see me and other animals like myself. Point and laugh at me while I perform feats they can’t, or rather, choose not to. Like, I’m in an eternal state of being a misunderstanding. Hell, I’m still learning about myself. Mom just casually brought up how my grandma was half Filipino last month, lol... So I’m still making sense of a lot of things.
And, that’s okay. Again, I personally don’t think autism, or ADHD is at all a disability. It’s just another further explanation why I don’t “fit in”. Only those who can relate will believe me anyway. For what it’s worth, I built a creative empire off of these traits. I’m able to make a living doing what I always enjoyed doing. I still rather be mostly hated on than to be dishonest, because there will be few who still appreciate my honesty. And I could pick up a pen and draw a pic just like picking up the pad to play a Kaizo Mario level.
Nothing changes, it is what it is.
Had to make sure I humble myself at the end there.
Prepping up some Syrup previews to share. I’ve been pondering what to show without being super spoiler’y, as I don’t want to cheapen it for those who preordered the Mixbook. And I actually been drawing a lot again lately… cracked out like playing Mario over and over. Ended up with a smorgasbord of new stuff to sell out of only a week, lol.
Thanks for reading, if you’ve gotten this far. I know I’m long-winded, and I still try to keep these write ups as less attention-deficit as possible. I appreciate everyone and their kind comments on these pages and the work I’ve been putting up in the Gallery. It means the world to me that you still like my work. I also hope everyone is keeping safe out there. World is getting absolutely nuttier by the second; just make sure you bring the jelly and bread.
Hey Siri, play HUMBLE by Kendrick Lamar.
✨🥪✨
