Accountability and Art
Reading Time: 12 Mins.
I’ve been playing Balatro in my free time, and as usual, a game got me cross-referencing my life and art career. Don’t know what Balatro is? Well, it doesn’t really matter, as it’s not the point of this post, but rather, a glimpse into my inner psyche regarding how I’ve always felt towards my art and making it. And a little surprise for everyone at the end of it involving a new gallery and a small update on the Mixbook.
Tons of memories from my times partying on the strip.
Now, I’m not a gambling man per se, nor is Balatro a gambling game— in the stereotypical sense. I used to frequent Vegas with a handful of pretty friends back in the day multiple times a year, and also sometimes for EVO (though I always went for fun and not work), but I never was the type of person to sit down at a table and play Blackjack, or Poker, or pull on a slot machine lever. I’ve always gone for the vibes. IDK, I just always wanted to live dat Balrog Stage lyfe, LOL. I got that “waging money” mindset out of my system way back in high school, playing Blackjack and Spades for fins and dubs in the lunchroom cafeteria. Or money-matching in Melee, Street Fighter Alpha 3, or 1v1 Slayer matches via Halo 2 in the confines of my old friend’s basement down the street from where I grew up.
…I promise, I’m not at all a gambling man, really. Or… so I thought. Is it possible that it’s something I haven’t been forthcoming and honest about with myself? An ideology I’ve been escaping from? A problem I refuse to admit I even have? Hmph. 🧐
Anyway, picking up Balatro has triggered an emotion deep within myself. The game is very addictive, yes. It cures my ADHD in a way few games do nowadays. But what is about it that is so addicting? I’m not spending any real money in it; I’m simply counting cards, doing quick maths, and racking up the best meaningless digital high scores I’m capable of achieving with broken Joker cards. I thought a lot about this, and pinpointed that I do, indeed, have a problem. But, I’ve always had this problem, before I even knew what gambling was in my diapers…
A Chronic Addiction to Chance
Once upon a time, I too used Photoshop lens flare filters and inserted jpegs for my backgrounds. Who’d gamble on this art? Guess I did.
As kids, my parents would tend to run a game of Monopoly with my younger bro and myself, and I always felt a desire to collect Chance cards more than buy property. I learned early that property comes and goes; you can have it, then lose it. But Chance cards allowed me to live under my own rules. I could immediately jump my piece to GO and collect $200, travel to Illinois Ave. or Boardwalk for no reason, get paid $50 by the bank randomly, or get out of jail free whenever I got sent there. Chances present opportunities that money cannot buy. I take chances for the thrill. To me, risks are the rewards before any reward comes from said risks.
Similarly, on a topical note, this has been the same exact way I’ve viewed my own art, ever since I started out seriously to make a career of it. I didn’t even know if I was going to achieve it, but damn did I not make a huge gamble doing so. I mean, look at that art above. No one wanted to buy that, lol. But ever since I saw Rival Schools for the first time in an arcade and stared at the loading screen art when I landed a copy with a Playstation 1 as a gift from my favorite late uncle, I knew what I wanted to do, but dafuq I knew if I wasn’t actually going to succeed at getting the creator of Chun-Li’s attention working alongside Capcom and becoming friends with him on Facebook and shit...
(Spoiler alert: I did.)
Meaning, every time I draw Chun, it’s charged with the spirit of her father himself. Who’dathunk I would have THE Akiman’s blessing? Not many artists can say they have that.
Heck, even getting recognized by the king of Vanillaware, of Dragon’s Crown and Odin Sphere fame? I couldn’t predict that.
And this isn’t to brag or be boastful, just stating simple facts of life. It was all a result of taking chances. Every work of art I illustrated and put out there in the public collective consciousness were simply “Poker hands” played gradually over time. And the more I played my hands (all puns intended), the better I got at it. Even with the women throughout my life; my illustrations started becoming Pocket Aces, Double Kings, and Double Queens over and over again and I’d attract chicks who look like they could cosplay as main female leads in Ocean’s 11 films, and equally crash out on me all the same whenever I “lost it all”, so to speak... I’m not gonna lie, my life is like a movie.
And after 20,000 hands played— I mean… drawings later... I still don’t know what I’m doing LOL
However, I’m only now recently realizing and learning that my entire way of living has equally been my downfall.
Taking L’s
This is the part where I’m accountable for my own actions.
Indeed, everything is up to chance, quite literally in life. You either believe you’re lucky or you believe so much in yourself you manifest pocket aces all the time. But it doesn’t come without its losses. Right before Syrup, I went thru yet another breakup at the height of my balling, and that put me in a deep depression because you know me, I'm a hopeless romantic. Then, I had to cut off a few industry “friends” I've invested years of genuine effort into who played behind my back, and that put me in a familiar deep depression once again, but probably the deepest I've ever been in, because I respected them before that. And while I’ve been working on Syrup, I took a huge gamble in believing that my overall audience would continue to support me financially while I’ve been working on the book itself. Hence last year’s hiatus. I definitely felt some sort of way when I realized they wouldn’t as much for whatever reason. Possibly because of all the slanderous rumors spread about me. I shared and engaged with so many people authentically throughout the course of my online career, sharing and posting heaps of art, something many other artists didn’t even do remotely to the level I have, and yet, barely anyone came to my aid when the chips were down. It's whatever though, because deep down, I knew the house always wins.
It's all good, I still love this… “casino full of people”. What else is there to do?
Thankfully, I still have a handful of diehards who support me, but alas, I had to get rid of all my major belongings including my Camaro, pack the rest up in a storage unit in the desert, and temporarily foot it back to my parents' for the first time in 18 years to start over again. I’m so grateful that I still have parents to even run back to after all this time, as I’ve been on my own and making legit moves working hard and diligently since I freshly turned 20 years old. And I wanted a real excuse to spend more time with them on this side before the inevitable. But that’s besides the point. It wasn’t at all my first L, and I know how to take them gracefully by this point. Like, that was like my 5th car and second Camaro; I’ll simply buy a third later, lmao. And fifth girlfriend. Or sixth? IDK, I lost count.
Losses are just a part of this game we all play, at the end of the day.
However, diamonds don’t just poof out of existence. First, they have to be mined under rigorous work, and then have to be processed. They only shine once the effort and energy has been placed into making them shimmer~💎
Getting Back in the Game
I used the aforementioned valuable time to also reflect on and ponder over my next plans.
Syrup is now nearly completed, however, I decided to wait until everything becomes stable again with tariffs and overseas transit as the book is being printed in China. 🙃 Gotta love the timing of that Trump card, eh? But, that just shows all this simply comes down to chance. Ba-dum-tish. 🥁
So, I’m taking this opportunity to properly edit and make sure everything is up to my standards before I commit to print, something I cannot do at all if I was working alongside a publisher with goals to always rush everything for profit. I’m an artist, so I obviously care a lot about the art quality itself if I’m charging for it. Self-publishing is incredibly difficult but it definitely has its benefits in that regard. I’m so very grateful that everyone who preordered the book has been extremely patient with me. I only had to cancel around 6-7 preorders entirely in the near 2 years it’s been in production, which is great considering how many have actually preordered. Surely, you all haven’t been brainwashed by the instant gratification-generative AI art bullshit out there, and I highly respect and love y’all for that. People are legitimately starting to forget that real artists need time and energy to make stuff. I must remind everyone who has preordered: you’ve only paid for the book itself. When the time comes for shipping, all involved will receive an email asking for an updated address and the appropriate shipping payment. And of course as usual, if you cannot wait much longer, you are free to contact me and cancel your copy.
As for teasers? I’m going to hold off on showing any. You’ll just have to trust in my ability to drop a Royal Flush for a little while longer. If people can wait for Rockstar on GTA6, they can wait on a near-complete art book of a solo venture. Again, this is a preorder-only product and not unlike anything else I sell online. Syrup is the only very limited Mixbook being the first of many, for collector’s reasons, and won’t be sold in my store after release. All books in the future will be available for purchase without preordering, thankfully; much like my prints and sticker merch, which have been going swell. I’m never holding a preorder campaign ever again though, lmao. That’s one specific gamble I typically always fail on.
But I am going back to the one I’m used to succeeding on:
✨A Brand New Online Gallery Space✨
Now that I have some spare time freed up again, I’ve always wanted to make this site a spot to house the entirety (or most) of my online work, both legacy and future proofing. I made it a personal choice to not start anything new while working on a book project, but alas, a dude got bills to pay. And besides, drawing, making, and sharing art is the easiest hand for me to play, after all these years…
So, I’ve made an entire gallery page for showcasing all of my art intended only for online!
Only place on the net where you can find my stuff, live and direct from me. For the modest price of a sketch commission, gain access to weekly uploads of my online-only work! New breaksketches and illustrations, process breakdowns, erotic art, and teasers of upcoming physical products in the making.
I’ll be reposting the vast majority of my legacy artwork in high resolution, and most of it will be for free viewing and commenting on by the public. I’ll also be posting new artwork as well, but in order to view, you will have to subscribe for it. I’ve always been a very generous dude when it comes to sharing my art, so not everything will be locked behind a paywall, but it’s to encourage supporting artists for their hard work directly and to also dissipate any dissenting rumors about the way I move with my art online.
People tend to think every artist should move the same exact way, but that’s never been my thing, respectfully. I strongly prefer standing out. It should be very simple: if you find enjoyment out of something one is offering then you should offer something in return to help that same one continue to entertain. Because I don’t know about anyone else, but demands made on me when my hand literally cramps up to pull them off without getting anything in return consistently ain’t it. And unfortunately, Generative AI has really tarnished the appeal of art everywhere, so if you wanna still see real, human artists succeed, you’ll have to put your money where your mouth is in this day and age, so to speak.
And I made sure the price of entry is extremely reasonable: to commission a single sketch from me starts at a hundred bucks. So you can sign up for a year at a time for only $65. Alternatively, you can subscribe monthly for $10. Regardless, you will have access to viewing 15+ years of my work, both old and new to come.
I also made an optional spot for hardcore enthusiasts to support me further at the bottom of every page to tip and donate towards me and my efforts. Now that I’ll be posting regularly again, it shouldn’t be expected of me doing anything different than folks gifting hundreds of subs to Twitch streamers and cute e-girls playing games horribly on Youtube.
I have a ton of brand new illustration plans in my brain that I desperately need to get out on a canvas, so I’ll definitely be utilizing this new gallery space to embolden me. I made sure to dress the page up as its my own space I pay for and not some carbon-copy social media page with no personality. No shade, just not my thing, once again. It's the only spot on the net to get my art live and direct from me. And since I’m never really concerned about views and likes and shit, I don’t have to muddle it with any of that.
Just straight art and appreciation, as it should be. 😊
My art career has been nothing but a game of Balatro. Sometimes, people think I cheat with extra cards, or using multiple Jokers, or discarding hands I no longer find of any use. But no, I don’t cheat at all. It’s just the way this game was designed. That’s enough with the gambling puns. Thanks for humoring me. And also for the continued support.♥︎
Siri, play “Lotto” by Joyner Lucas. One of my personal favorites.
✨🃏🃏🃏🃏🃏✨